[Narrator]

Section 3—“Family Communication.”

Mark is 50 years old and was diagnosed with kidney cancer about a year and a half ago. He is married and has two teenage sons and a teenage daughter. Let’s hear what he says about the impact of his diagnosis on his family.

[Mark]

Since my cancer surgery, some things have had to change permanently in our family. Before, we all knew what our jobs around the house were. Everything went pretty smoothly. My wife and I both work outside the house, and at home, we had different things to take care of. I kept up with the cars and things that needed to be done around the house. I also paid the bills and managed the finances. My wife took care of all the shopping and kept everybody organized. Our teenage kids concentrated on their school work, sports, and summer jobs. Since I’ve had cancer, my wife and our kids have had to do a lot of my share. My sons take turns cutting the grass and doing the yard work. But, they can’t really handle the harder maintenance jobs. My daughter is now in charge of getting the cars serviced on schedule and has to drive me to doctor appointments sometimes. My wife is working overtime to help make ends meet. I feel so dependent…almost useless. Sometimes, when I’m really frustrated, I get mad at them for no reason. I don’t mean to. I just want to get back to normal.

[Narrator]

A family is a social system. Change in one part of the system causes change in the other parts. A cancer diagnosis for one family member can change the ways the entire family communicates and gets along. Sometimes, the change can have long-lasting effects on all family members. Many researchers have found that some of the most difficult problems that cancer survivors face are the reactions of the people closest to them—their family members, friends, and co-workers. To learn more about communication skills, you can listen to Program 1 of the Cancer Survival Toolbox, entitled “Communicating.” Linda, the social worker, sees how a cancer diagnosis affects individuals and their families.

[Linda] 

Families can take all different forms. They don’t have to be bound by blood or legal relationships. In times of trouble, we usually think of families as a refuge…a place of support. Even the word “home” has special significance for most people in times of stress. Stress is an expected part of family life, but cancer puts extraordinary stress on families. For some families, the challenge of cancer can offer the chance for personal growth and can actually strengthen bonds within the family. But extreme and prolonged stress can have a negative effect on even the strongest and closest families. 

During the initial cancer crisis, families face many new and often tough challenges. Family members need to find the right kinds of information to help make treatment decisions. They must decide who to tell about the diagnosis and what to tell them. As we heard from Mark, family members may need to take on new responsibilities, at least for a while. They may also have to make tough financial decisions. They have to find ways to support one another emotionally and manage their fears and uncertainties. Each of these changes requires family communication.

Open communication and the expression of feelings within the family are crucial to creating a healing environment and for helping each other gain the strength necessary to deal with the long-term effects of cancer. Remember that, while separate cancer crises may come and go, cancer itself is a long-term illness. You will need to maintain or develop good communication skills so your family can adapt over the long haul. And, you need an understanding of what kinds of factors create communication barriers, so you can overcome them. 

For example, family members may have differing views about cancer and its treatment. They, too, are frightened and concerned for their loved ones: Is the cancer really gone? Will it come back? They may think the treatment is not aggressive enough—or that it’s too aggressive. Sometimes, they may disagree with the doctor’s recommendations. Good communication and getting answers to their questions can help family members feel more secure. But, the cancer survivor has to have the final word about health-related issues. Family disagreements and undue pressure about treatment and about the health habits of the cancer survivor only add to the stress level of the whole family.

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