[Jean]

Of course, other issues came up. Part of my treatment did make me pretty sick. I was tired. I had pain. I didn't want to eat. And, I was so afraid. I was afraid of becoming a burden on my family and friends. My parents came out and, of course, I worried that taking care of me would affect their health, too. I know that happens to many caregivers. I worried that my relationship with Hal would suffer. I've heard stories about how some marriages fall apart because of the stresses of dealing with cancer. I worried about the costs of my care - all of the medicines, the special equipment that we used in our home, and things like that.

[Sandra]

You know, it was a help to know that Jean's worries were pretty typical for people facing cancer. So common, in fact, that I could guess what would happen - what Jean was going through, her physical needs, her worries and concerns - before they actually happened. Being able to think of likely problems - and solving them before they became problems - would be key to how everyone would cope. What I know about Jean's kind of cancer and her treatment, and our discussions with her healthcare team, helped us plan for her physical and emotional needs. One of our friends, Bonnie, is a social worker. She helped Jean, Hal, and Erin talk with each other about things that really matter to them.

[Sandra]

Bonnie reminded us - Jean's caregivers - to take care of ourselves, too, so that no one would get burned out or feel overwhelmed. Jean agreed to be honest with us about her needs and that helped us come up with a schedule of shifts, so that a caregiver would be with Jean whenever she needed it. This allowed everybody to be a part-time caregiver when it fit into their schedules best. Caregivers' lives were disrupted as little as possible - while at the same time, allowing us to help our friend in this very special way.
 
[Sandra]

We also arranged time for Jean just to be with her family - which gave the caregivers a break, too. We didn't want Hal to feel responsible for everything. Jean, Hal, and I talked about how to make time when they could just be husband and wife - not patient and caregiver. I showed Erin how to do some of the nursing tasks for Jean. I know Erin took great pride in developing these skills and in being able to help her mother in important ways.

[Jean]

Oh yeah, Erin also loved learning how to cook from our friend, Tom, who's a really good cook. Hal was very patient with some of the recipes Erin made especially for him. Some of her early cooking "experiments" have become great family stories. You know, Erin really grew as a person through it all.

[Sandra]

Jean's cancer is under control, and she has gone back to work. The roles in her family continue to change as everyone's needs have changed over time. Erin cooks dinner for the family pretty often now - and our whole caregiving group gets together a lot with Jean, Hal, and Erin, just to have fun. Our friendships are so strong now. While I know that caregiving can be an emotionally and physically draining experience, I found it to be a very special thing that I could give to my friend. Taking care of people with cancer is the profession I love, and having the knowledge and skills to care for my friend has really given me some of my most rewarding caregiving experiences.

[Narrator]

In this situation, a circle of friends came together to help one of their own. Each friend had something special to contribute - one, her nursing abilities, another, her knowledge of emotional and social needs, and yet another, his cooking skills. From this example, we can pick out elements that lead to the success of any caregiving experience. · First, potential problems were identified, and caregiving plans were carefully thought out. · Second, the person with cancer was very involved in developing caregiving plans. · Third, no one person was left to assume all caregiving duties. Instead, tasks were shared, and caregivers were expected to pay attention to their own needs as well. · Fourth, caregivers were invited to contribute in ways that used any unique skills they have. · And, fifth, each family member's needs were very much a part of the total caregiving plan.
 
[Narrator]

Cancer creates a crisis of some measure for almost all families. We know that when people are living through a crisis such as cancer, their usual ways of solving problems and their normal ways of coping might not work as well as they did with past problems. They sometimes don't even know how to think about the problem, how to decide what should be done, or even what they can do to get the problem under control. In short, for a while at least, the family may feel too overwhelmed to put a workable plan in place.

[Narrator]

Most of the time, a crisis has a time limit - usually about 4 to 6 weeks. By then, people have adapted to the problem and have started finding ways to deal with it. Sometimes, though, the burden seems too great and families get stuck. They can't seem to find a way through the crisis, and they may need some outside help to get them moving forward. Listen to the problem that Bob and Mary faced when Bob needed surgery that would change the way he looked. Bob became so depressed about his cancer that he stopped going out. Mary didn't know how to help her husband and they became isolated - alone with the cancer.