[Narrator]

Again, Mei Ling sought information. She took time to set and understand values and limits. She tried to step outside her emotions and look for more than one solution to her problem.

[Mei Ling]

The other concern that I had at this time was with my husband. He very much wanted to continue in his role as provider and decision maker for the family. This was becoming harder for him to do especially with the treatment to come. The doctors were telling me that he would get more tired and sicker before he would get better. Already we were struggling with this change that was happening to us. I felt isolated and alone. My husband felt I wasn't telling him about everything. I felt he didn't want to talk about things that needed to be talked about. We needed help.

[Mei Ling]

It felt really good to talk to the social worker about these feelings and get some support. She had me attend a caregiver group that met while my husband was receiving treatment. The program was called Strength for Caring. I got a lot of help from the materials passed out at the meeting and from the group members themselves. I also got the strength I needed to negotiate with my husband on the changes in our roles and responsibilities. I was able to put aside my feelings and look for what the social worker called a "win-win situation" for the both of us. The social worker helped me rehearse the negotiation I intended to have with my boss so that I would feel more comfortable and prepared. I asked my husband to meet with the social worker and me once he started into treatment, and I felt he could handle the time and energy that this would take. I think this was good for my husband and me. We found ourselves negotiating our roles right there with the social worker. It helped to have someone in the discussion who could be very objective for both of us.

[Linda]

Here's a recommendation I make to all caregivers I work with. If you are able take a few moments now, listen to the instructions and then stop this tape and sit in front of a mirror. Pretend that you are talking with the person or persons with whom you need to negotiate. Rehearse what you would say to them. How do you look in the mirror? Are your emotions showing clearly on your face and in your body language? Try it again. This time try not to let your face and body language show your emotions as clearly as the first time. This exercise may seem silly and awkward at first, but you will find that rehearsal will help you think about questions or stumbling blocks to the negotiation and will help you feel more confident. Mei Ling rehearsed her negotiation with her social worker. Some people feel more comfortable practicing with a friend or family member than with the mirror. Do what works for you.
 
[Linda]

Important tips to remember include: get good information, know your values, set your personal limits, control your emotions, and be willing to look at more than one solution to a problem. Create a win-win solution. Rehearse, rehearse, and rehearse.
 
[Narrator]

One of the strongest human instincts is a parent's protection of a child. When a child is diagnosed with cancer, it can cause overwhelming feelings in parents. Depending on the age of the child, it may be important for the parents to make sure that any special needs, whether they are related to culture, a school situation, or other concerns in the family, are communicated to the healthcare team. Let's hear from Brian, who is 16 years old and his parents.