[Mei Ling]

I couldn't believe this was happening. My husband had just been diagnosed with lymphoma. We have two young children, who are four and six. I have a full-time job. I also take care of my husband's mother. She is not in good health. She needs to have someone checking on her daily. I take her shopping, prepare her meals, take her to the doctor, and on and on.

[Narrator]

Negotiation is a process through which two or more people exchange their viewpoints on an issue, clearly state their needs and desires, and try to reach an agreement they can both live with. Most people negotiate every day of their lives with family, friends, colleagues, and others. Caregivers often may need to negotiate not only for themselves, but also for their loved ones- at the same time. You may need to negotiate as a parent, a spouse, a partner, a child, an employee, a beneficiary, a consumer, or a friend. Negotiation requires good communication, the ability to identify and express your needs, knowing and setting your personal limits, setting aside your emotions, and showing a willingness to look for more than one solution to any problem. These skills often lead to what we call a win-win situation.

[Mei Ling]

After the shock of my husband's diagnosis, I realized that I would need to quickly make some changes in our current situation. I was already stretched in my ability to care for my family and my mother-in-law. My husband's physical situation became bad overnight, it seemed. The lymphoma affected his ability to work, drive, walk, and care for himself. After his surgery, his doctors told us that he needed six weeks of daily radiation therapy and chemotherapy. They also said that we might not see a lot of improvement in his physical condition until toward the middle or end of the treatment.

[Mei Ling]

We don't have any other family in this country except my husband's mother. The job of caring for Mother has become mine. I work full time outside the home. I care for two busy, active children. How was I going to take on even more? What was I going to do without my husband to take charge and make decisions? He needed me to take some of the responsibilities that he had always done, you know, paying the bills, managing the finances, handling the car service and repairs. The list of responsibilities I would need to take over was getting bigger and bigger. I was scared. I didn't know what to do.

[Mei Ling]

The doctors and nurses called the oncology social worker. I spoke with her about my situation and resources available to me. We looked at some options for my husband, my children, and me. One option I definitely needed to learn about was the Family Medical Leave Act. The social worker was able to help me understand the law which says that family members can have unpaid time away from work to take care of other family members without being afraid that their job won't be there when they can return to work. This law applied to my situation because I worked for a company that had more that 50 employees. We actually practiced how I would approach my boss with the plan that I was beginning to put together.

[Mei Ling]

With good information, a plan, and having practiced what I would say, I met with my boss about taking the next six weeks off to care for my husband and take him to daily radiation treatments. I knew this was not a great time to be taking time away from my job. Yet, I also knew that I needed the time to take care of my husband and work on additional plans for the rest of my responsibilities. My boss and I were able to negotiate the time off to my satisfaction.

[Mei Ling]

Looking at the whole situation, I knew that I needed to fix some other areas in my life that take a great deal of my time. I had found the social worker to be very helpful, so I met with her again to discuss the care of my mother-in-law. I had recently read an article in a ladies magazine that talked about the "sandwich generation." I could really identify with this. I was not only raising two children, but also taking care of an elderly parent. This was the definition given in the article that I had read. I felt like I was pulled in all directions. I am a caregiver to everyone in my life. My life revolves around what I do for them. Sometimes in the past, I had felt like I didn't have time for myself. I felt I didn't really have a life. Now with my husband's cancer diagnosis, I knew, more than ever, that I needed to deal with some of these feelings and the issues involved.

[Mei Ling]
 
I know Mother and my husband have strong feelings about my involvement in her care. In our culture, this is very important to them and to me. The social worker did help me think about ways that someone else might manage my mother-in-law's actual physical needs, yet I could remain in charge and oversee that care. This helped me look at my concerns in a way that did not mean that I wasn't doing the things that I thought were important. We talked about the people who could do this care. We thought about other family members for support even though they lived far away. 

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