[Mary]
 
Last year, right after we celebrated our 45th wedding anniversary, my husband began having severe pain in his left jaw. Our dentist couldn't find a problem with his teeth and ordered more tests. We were shocked to learn that he had a cancerous tumor in his jawbone. The doctors explained that the only treatment was surgery - pretty radical surgery. It was very hard for us to take it all in, and things seemed to happen so fast. I was surprised at how short a time Bob was in the hospital after surgery, and I didn't get very much training about his care before he came home.

[Mary]

Even with the home nurse coming by to change his dressings, there was so much to do. Preparing his special food took a long time each day, and we had a hard time keeping his pain under control. But most of all, it was hard dealing with Bob's moods. At first, he seemed angry at everyone, me included. He didn't want any visitors, and he refused to go out. He said he felt like a freak - that he didn't want people staring at him. The doctors had suggested reconstructive surgery, but Bob was having none of it. He said they had already put him through enough. Every time I tried to bring the subject up, he would get angry and more withdrawn.

[Mary]

Another hard part was that Bob wanted me with him all the time. We have always been very close. We never had children and our relatives all live some distance away. But we had an active social life here and I thought we had lots of friends. Yet, after a few weeks the friends just seemed to fade away. I guess I can't blame them - Bob didn't make them feel welcome when they stopped in after his surgery, so soon they just stopped coming altogether. I began to feel more and more isolated, and sometimes I was even mad at Bob too. Sometimes, whole weeks would go by and I didn't see anyone other than Bob, and he seemed more and more depressed. Some days he hardly talked to me.

[Mary]

Through it all, my minister kept coming to visit, and he kept encouraging me to get out more. He even offered to help arrange for some people to come by and stay with Bob while I went out, but Bob didn't want that. Finally, my minister told me right out that he thought I needed some help. He suggested I call my younger sister and ask her to come for a visit. I knew Bob wouldn't like it, but I was feeling pretty desperate. Well, Judy's visit was a turning point. When my sister got here, she was shocked to see us both. She had expected Bob to look different, but she said I, too, looked sick and exhausted. I guess I did look a sight, I hadn't had my hair done in months and I had lost a lot of weight. I just felt worn out. Bob's care was only part of it; mostly I just felt overwhelmed by the whole situation and by Bob's reaction to it.

[Mary]

My sister just took charge. First thing she did was make a doctor appointment for me! I had a physical, and the doctor said my blood pressure was a little high, and I was anemic. Most of all, he said I needed some rest. I told him how worried I was about Bob, how he seemed so withdrawn and depressed. Dr. Morris has been our family doctor for more than 20 years. He called Bob right on the spot and told him he wanted the home care nurse to stop by again. To my surprise, Bob agreed.

[Mary]

When the nurse came, she spent a lot of time talking with both Bob and me about our feelings. She called Dr. Morris, who ordered an antidepressant for Bob's depression. Again, I was surprised that Bob agreed to take the medicine. I could see a difference in Bob's attitude over the next couple of weeks.

[Mary]

Meanwhile, Judy took me to the beauty shop and we went together to my Bible class. She also took me to the cancer resource center at our local hospital. There was a social worker there who suggested I might want to join a family caregiver group. It sounded like it might be a good idea. My sister went with me to my first meeting. It was so good just to see that others there had had problems like mine. After the second meeting, I began to understand how important it was to take care of myself and to feel connected to others. I made an effort to call up some of our old friends and get together.

[Mary]

One of the best things that happened was that the husband of a woman in our group also had gone through head and neck surgery for cancer. And he had had the reconstruction work done. I invited this couple, Jim and Betty, to our home for dinner. Jim and Bob really hit it off. They liked many of the same things - especially golf. Bob said he hadn't played golf in almost a year - that he couldn't stand the thought of people staring at him. Jim said he felt the same way at first after his surgery, but he refused to let cancer rob him of the joy of golfing.

[Mary]

About a week later Jim stopped by early one Saturday morning, and he actually talked Bob into going out to hit a few golf balls. And just yesterday, Bob told me that he had been thinking about going to see that plastic surgeon that his cancer doctor recommended.

[Mary]

It seemed like we had both gotten so far down after the cancer, that we couldn't get out of the situation by ourselves. I just stopped realizing that there were people who cared about us and who wanted to help - my minister, my family doctor, my sister, and many others. I go to the caregiver support group every week. It helps me to realize that I'm not the only one with problems, and it helps me put my problems in perspective.

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