[John]

I finally found a time when the two of us could be alone together and we both agreed we needed to talk. The first time I said out loud, "I'm mad at the cancer - not you," I felt a lot of relief. I was surprised Susan could actually listen to my feelings without getting upset. When she heard me say that, she told me she understood how I felt because she was angry about the cancer, too. Since then we've been able to fight the cancer - not each other. It actually brought us close together again.

[Narrator]

It is natural for caregivers to feel a range of emotions when someone they care about is ill. Studies tell us that the emotions in people close to those with cancer are very similar to those that the person with cancer is feeling - at times caregivers might be even more depressed or anxious. Because of this, it is just as important for caregivers to express how they feel as it is for those diagnosed with cancer.

[Linda]

From a social worker's perspective, I know that when feelings about cancer are expressed, it gives people an opportunity to support each other and reduce the stress associated with anger or sadness. Families often find it helpful to share their feelings with each other as a way of getting and giving support.

[John]

I guess you could say I've gone through just about every feeling there is during this cancer treatment. I've been really scared at times, afraid of losing Susan, afraid of my family falling apart - I have to say I was even afraid of being physically close at first. After her mastectomy, I was worried that I'd hurt her if I touched her in the wrong way, or that our physical relationship would end. Susan was the one who brought it up the first time, not that long after she came home from the hospital. She had talked to the nurse and social worker at the hospital, and I guess they helped her figure out that we needed to talk about it. I was relieved because I knew I needed to show her how much I loved her, but I wasn't sure how to handle physical closeness. It was actually one of the first times we'd really talked straight out about her cancer and how it might affect us. We both ended up feeling like there were a lot of ways to physically show our caring for each other and our relationship has changed - for the better in some ways.

[Narrator]

There are many changes in relationships and family life that cancer and cancer treatment can cause. Good communication helps family members adjust to these changes. Good communication can help with the decision making that is needed during cancer treatment, and with the other important skills of finding information, negotiating, and problem solving. Communication does not make problems go away, but it can help you gain support and understanding so you can manage cancer and its treatment more effectively.

[Linda]

And remember, everyone can benefit from support, and it can come from many places - from other family members and friends, from cancer professionals, and from others who are going through cancer, too. Some caregivers find it helpful to attend support groups or counseling sessions where they can express their feelings. Even difficult feelings are easier to deal with if you have support.

[John]

It took me a while to go to a support group. Maybe it's part of being a guy - I didn't see myself sitting in a group of people and talking about my problems. But we heard from a friend about a group for husbands sponsored by the Y-Me Organization for Breast Cancer Information and Support. The first time I went, it was helpful to meet other men going through the same thing I was. You know, I found out I could just go and listen if I don't want to discuss my own feelings. I've gotten some really useful information about how other people are dealing with cancer in their families. The group is a place where I can say how I feel to people who understand because they're going through it, too. Sometimes, I am more comfortable talking after I've heard what other people in the group are feeling.

[Narrator]
 
John's story is common. It can be challenging for caregivers to ask for what they need. But good communication can lead to better care. Before you continue, or at some point when you have the time, you may want to try the following exercise to help you with communication.

[Narrator]

On a blank sheet of paper, draw a large square. Draw one line down the middle - from top to bottom - to divide the square in half. Now, draw a line across the middle - from side to side - to divide the square into four equal boxes. In one box, write a thought or feeling about cancer that you have not told anyone. In a second box, write something you feel very good about in your life. In the third box, write a question you have about cancer. In the fourth box, write down something that gives you hope. Now, look at each box and what you have written in it. Think about the communications skills - using "I" statements, being assertive, active listening to check the message, and sharing feelings. Next, choose one box and practice how you might communicate what you have written. After you have practiced, try out your skills with someone you trust. The more you practice, the more skilled at communication you will become.

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