[John]

When my wife, Susan, was diagnosed with breast cancer we both went into shock. She's only 34 and she pretty much runs our family. I felt angry and scared all at once, but I didn't think I should tell her. I didn't want her to worry about my feelings, too. The whole thing has taken a lot out of both of us. But, we've found out that it really does help to talk about it.

[Narrator]

With one in four people in the United States diagnosed with cancer in their lifetime, almost anyone can find themselves providing care for someone- a parent, a child, a spouse, or a partner. Communicating, which involves sharing information and sharing feelings, is an important skill for everyone dealing with cancer. Yet, many studies confirm what people often say: Communication can be difficult for many cancer survivors and their caregivers. Those who care about each other may not want to share the strong feelings that come with a diagnosis of cancer, and these feelings may make it hard to talk about the questions and concerns they have with doctors, friends - even their own family members. The Basic Skills program of the Cancer Survival Toolbox teaches the communication skills of being assertive, using "I" statements, active listening, and expressing feelings. In that tape, we review how you can use communication skills to improve your well-being, because when your well-being is maintained, you can do a better job of helping to maintain the well-being of those you care for. Be sure to listen to the Basic Skills tape to learn more about these important skills. Let's hear how John used the communications skill, assertiveness, to solve a problem.

[John]

When Susan first got cancer and we were figuring out what we needed to do to keep our family going, I tried to avoid telling people at work about it. I just didn't want to have to deal with it at work. I was trying to keep my night shift job and stay awake all day to get everything done for Susan and our two kids. When my in-laws offered to help, I really didn't want to accept it. I guess I didn't want to have to admit that I wasn't in control of everything. But, I was getting exhausted and the treatments were taking everything out of Susan. So, I finally decided I had to tell my boss so I could get time off if I needed it. It was hard to say, "I need this because my wife is sick." But, when I put it that way, he didn't give me trouble. In fact, he was really good about it. Turns out his mother-in-law had the same thing. He told me to take the time when I needed it and that he would work it out with my supervisors.

[Narrator]

Being assertive is important for everyone affected by cancer. Being assertive means stating what you think or what you need in a way that clearly lets the other person know that you are serious. When John stated clearly what he needed, he was able to get help from his boss. In today's world, being a caretaker often demands that we be assertive to be sure that our needs are met.

[Narrator]

Using "I " statements is another important communication skill. This means making statements such as "I" feel or "I need" instead of "you did this" or "you need to do that". "I" statements are usually received better by listeners because they don't put people on the defensive. John used an "I" statement when he said to his boss, "I need to be able to take some time off to help my wife with her cancer treatments". In this example, John was both being assertive and using an "I" statement. 

[John]

One of the hardest things for me when I did take time off to go with Susan to her treatments was making sure I was hearing what the doctors and nurses were trying to explain, especially when they would use the names of medications or medical terms I never heard of before. The first time they would explain something, I had to stop them and say, "I'm not really sure I understand what you mean. Could you explain it to me again." I had to be sure I understood because I was the one watching out for Susan at home.

[Narrator]

What John is describing is another important communication skill- active listening. This means showing the person who is speaking that you are listening and checking to make sure what you heard is really what they were trying to say. When you use active listening, you are much more likely to get the message that others are trying to tell you.

[John]
 
For awhile, I tried to put my own feelings aside, especially in front of my wife. I was afraid that if I let myself feel sad or angry, I'd lose control. I didn't want her or anyone to know about my feelings. But it was really hard sometimes because we were going through tough times and I had a lot of strong feelings about it. After a couple of months, I got to the point where I started to blow up at everybody. I'd start yelling at the kids for little things and I even yelled at Susan. Well, she yelled right back at me. Then, I felt really guilty- after all, Susan was the one who was sick and here I was yelling at her and our kids. I realized then I had to admit how angry I was that this was happening to her - and that I couldn't change it.

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